Today was a weird day.
As the deafening silence from Logan continues, I don’t have much choice other than to move on. I think what has happened here is that, for the first time, I’m experiencing rejection from someone whom I genuinely cared for. This is more than just the, “We had one date, sorry it’s not going to work out,” stuff. I had a genuine desire to be with someone, because of what I felt was true connection. Now, that’s gone. Everything I thought – every idea I had for the future – it has all come to an abrupt halt. Burst the bubble, wake up, and face your reality, Kurt.
That being said, I can’t apologize for my emotions. I won’t. I realize my feelings toward Logan are perhaps a bit unrealistic, but they’re still my feelings and they are valid. I, dare I say it, loved Logan. I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. Even though I had only spent a short amount of time with him, I knew that was what I wanted. However, I also never had the opportunity to find out if that was what I really wanted for the rest of my life. I guess that’s a problem, too. I just miss Logan. That’s all. But, I can’t continue to let someone ruin me like this. I deserve better.
I spent part of my morning listening to some Mariah Carey vinyl and thinking about RX. I miss him, too. Because I discovered Mariah’s full discography during our break-up, my feelings toward RX are so deeply engrained in most Mimi records that I can’t help but think of him when I listen to her music.
Side-note: I need to cool it on the Mariah stuff. It’s become a full-blown obsession now. I think I need a new outlet. Seriously.
Most of my afternoon was spent working on some job applications, but then I got bored. I should have worked longer, but it was also Friday. Nobody gets back to you on Friday. So, fuck it. To cure my boredom, I ended up blazing. Shortly after, I went on a pointless errand to the DMV just as an excuse to take the car out and drive around while stoned. I needed to get out of the house. I wasn’t totally baked, but I was high enough. I enjoyed the sunshine and listened to music while bumping up and down on country roads. It was nice. Slightly dangerous, I suppose, but nice.
Once back at Casa Z, I packed up all of my things, worked out, and then drove downtown. Phillip was going up to the house again tonight, so I brought the car to his place. He dropped me off at the Witch Cave before heading up north to spend the night.
I think Phillip and his girlfriend, Sarah, are coming to an end. That’s probably why he’s been spending so much time at Casa Z recently. The distance from the city can definitely help to clear your mind. Looks like I’m not the only one who’s going through some shit. Not that I thought I was. But, you know what I mean. It blows. I don’t like to see my baby brother upset, especially when I know how hard it is to lose someone you really care about.
Are we better off not dating at all? Would that help us to avoid all of these seemingly inevitable break-up moments of devastation? At what point does one’s emotional baggage become too heavy for their next partner to carry? I feel like I’ve built up such a wall around myself lately. I don’t want to let people inside anymore.
Although my date with Bryan (Instagram guy) was originally scheduled for tomorrow night, he texted me this morning and asked if we could move it up to tonight instead, as he had forgotten about some previous plans he had on Saturday. Seeing as I don’t have much of a social life, I was fine with the change.
I met Bryan at Smith, the restaurant across the street from the Witch Cave, at 8 p.m. The two of us had a really nice dinner together and stayed for about three hours, drinking, eating, and talking nonstop the entire time. It was quite enjoyable, actually. I had a good time. Bryan even picked up the entire check, which was incredibly generous of him. I want to see Bryan again. But – I don’t know. I guess I just feel bruised from Logan. It’s going to take some time for me to figure out what I want. I’m very confused right now.
Bryan lives a few blocks away from my place and the restaurant, so I walked him home. It was kind of foolish, seeing as you can literally throw a rock from Smith to the Witch Cave, but I didn’t want to feel obligated to invite him up to my apartment. I also didn’t want to go up to his, either. Fortunately, he didn’t ask me to. We briefly kissed goodnight outside of his building. That was all.
Once I returned home to the Witch Cave, I felt very tired. I also became somewhat anxious being in my apartment, but not enough to take my Xanax. I need to face the music and get over my irrational fear of being alone in my shoebox studio. It feels very tight sometimes. At one point tonight, the Witch Cave felt like a prison. But, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I just need to make it through tonight, and tomorrow will be a new day. I want Monday to come. I don’t like weekends anymore. When you’re unemployed, life seems to stall from Friday to Sunday. I really want things to start moving again.
I pray every night before I go to sleep. I have ever since I was a kid. Normally, my prayers cover a lot of different areas. Family, thanks, wishes, fears, etc. Lately, I’ve only been praying for one thing: for life to get better. Please, just get better. I’m begging you. Take me out of this hole I’m stuck in and help me stand up taller than ever before. I need to be happy again. I need to. I miss myself.
An old friend of mine from my second Florida College Program died last week, after a lengthy battle with a rare disease. Her name was Molly. We didn’t speak much over the last couple of years, but recently I came across a Facebook memory of a YouTube clip she had posted on my wall about Saddest Pixar Moments. Molly was always such a happy person. Based on the messages being left on her profile by friends and family, it seems like that’s how she’s going to remembered.
I feel low right now. As though a dark cloud has completely consumed my life. However, knowing that Molly didn’t have her chance to live out her life makes me want to push on. I think about suicide a lot. At times, I feel like it would be easier to die now than to continue living with this anxiety and depression. At the end of the day, I don’t think I would ever act on those thoughts. I have too much to live for. I don’t think I could ever take my own life willingly, knowing that someone like Molly didn’t have a choice.
I hope Molly continues to shine and share her happiness – wherever she is.
Goodnight xo
“Saddest Pixar Moments” - YouTube
This was the video Molly had posted on my Facebook wall a few years ago. Molly and I met in Florida during the summer of 2010, while we were working on the same student exchange program.