Another sluggish day.
In what seems to be an increasingly rare occurrence, Phillip stopped by Casa Z yesterday and ended up spending the night. I like it when Phillip comes home. Siblings have a way of detracting parental attention from one another, especially when they’re younger than you. When Phillip is at the house, I don’t feel as watched over by Mom and Dad. I saw him in the kitchen this morning and we caught up quickly. Nothing too detailed, though.
I felt pretty low throughout most of the day. I worked on a variety of different things in my room until about 5 p.m. – MOMENTS, job applications, etc. – and then took the car out for a drive. I just needed to get out of the house. I did one errand, got ice cream, and then drove around aimlessly for almost two hours listening to ballads. I saw a rainbow and I started to cry. I’m going to move back to the Witch Cave tomorrow.
No word from Logan today. I’ve officially been left on read. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with that whole situation. At this point, I’m really just trying to move on.
Around the time I visited Dr. Cohen last month to talk about therapists, I also contacted Natasha about a lady she had seen a while back named Moira Nightingale. Kooky name, I know. But, Natasha is into the whole holistic thing, so it didn’t really surprise me. Nonetheless, Natasha has always said how Moira really helped her, so I figured I would give her a shot. I called the office today and left a message. Moira is out of town until next week, so hopefully we can set something up on Monday when she’s back. I still really need to talk to someone, and Dr. Cohen never followed up with me like he said he would. Typical Dr. Cohen.
Still no advancements on the job hunt front. However, DigiPrint, that 3D printing company that’s been on the back burner since January, emailed me today. They recently got a contract for a pop-up event booth at Toronto Fashion Week and asked if I wanted to come on board for about 40 hours of work. Obviously, I said yes, so I’ll be doing that later this month. Should be interesting. I think the work will also help to add some weight to the whole “Event Coordinator” title I’ve been peddling on my job applications.
What is going on with me these days? I feel so low. I think what’s happening is that I’m feeling extremely under-appreciated in so many major areas of my life. It’s fucking with me. I just want to wallow, though. Sometimes all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. And what’s so wrong about that? I want to flush this whole mess of emotions out of my system, and drain myself of the well of tears that has built up inside of me. Maybe it’s taking a bit longer than it should, but whatever. If I want to wallow, give me my ballads and let me fucking wallow.
After my drive to nowhere, I came home, got stoned, and worked out for a long time. I like working out while high. I can really zone out in those moments. Afterwards, I showered up and then watched The Comeback and binged on junk food. This is why I should not smoke anymore. Damn it.
I suppose I should end this journal entry on a positive note. While it’s still very on-and-off, I’ve been happy with my body lately. My consistent exercise regime and running is obviously a way for me to release a lot of stress, but the physical benefit of actually having some abdominal definition is also helpful. It’s encouraging, to say the least.
Goodnight xo
@yalittlenasty Instagram post from tonight.
This is one of my favorite scenes from HBO’s The Comeback (Season 2). Logan and I used to watch this show together. I think this scene might come across as funny given the “birth certificate” line, but I find it quite heartbreaking. I wanted Logan to see this.