Had some weird dreams again last night. One of which was Logan and I getting the mail at my apartment and finding a belated Christmas gift from RX. Maybe seeing his name on Instagram last night set that off. I don’t know. I’m sure there are a lot of unresolved feelings toward that entire situation but, to be honest, I don’t really want to go back and wade through that sewer again. I want to move on. For the first time, I feel like I actually can.
I don’t really know what happened last night. I feel as though an episode like that had to happen so I could really get out my emotions, but it was still a lot to deal with. I woke up still kind of sad, but I’m happy I stayed in at the end of the day. Going out and drinking last night wouldn’t have done me any good.
Walked to the gym, worked out, then drove up to Casa Z. Didn’t take long for the money conversation to happen with Mom and Dad, and for my tears to start. I suggested taking money out of my (untouchable) savings account and they said they’d rather just give me what I need. The thing is, I don’t want to have to take their money. I’ve always had a problem with that, ever since I was a kid. It makes me sad and uncomfortable. And guilty. Dad just never knows what to say. I’m not going to sit here and bash him. The man doesn’t deserve it. I’ll always be closer with Mom, though. Is it a male vs. female thing? I don’t know. Dad just isn’t as nurturing. I feel like I’m more on the maternal side when it comes to that stuff.
Mom came up to my room later and we talked. I cried and she made me feel better. I know how to give myself the pep talk but, as much as I don’t want to admit it, sometimes I need to hear it from someone else as well. Maybe I try to internalize too much. I don’t like being the victim. I don’t like asking for help. I calmed down, we watched the Golden Globes, and then I drove back to my apartment. Had a small cry – “Hero” – before “Fantasy” picked me right back up.
Oh, and Logan and I talked more than usual today. He told me he misses me. If Logan had asked me to marry him today, I would have said yes. What I’m worried about, however, is that this is all going to be karma for the Dylan situation and it’s not going to end well for me. Can’t think about that right now, though. Bigger things to worry about.
Goodnight xo