Tried to sleep in at the Witch Cave, but my body wouldn’t let me. Of course, that only led to my standard afternoon nap a few hours later.

After breakfast, it was time to get to work. The only problem was that I had left my laptop charger at Casa Z yesterday, which meant yet another road trip to the house. That whole process took at least three hours, and ended with me falling asleep at home. I completely passed out on my bed for two hours. Fuck, man.

I had so much work to do today. Yet, a large part of me just wanted to throw my hands up and yell, “Fuck it!” I’m getting a little exhausted with this whole job search thing. Exhausted, and discouraged. So, fuck it if I take a day off. When has anything ever happened when I’m working on job applications daily? Never.

Still groggy from my nap, I worked out and then got ready to leave the house. Amidst that whole mess with Tito on Sunday, I had thrown out two dates for us to possibly get together and see a movie. Tito chose tonight.

This evening’s plan was for Tito and I to go see The Boss – the new Melissa McCarthy movie – at the Queensway Cineplex. Not exactly the most convenient location given that I was at Casa Z, but whatever. Minor detail. I wanted to make tonight work.

I arrived early, bought our tickets, and waited for Tito inside the theater lobby. I had sent him a message earlier to confirm our meeting time, but still hadn’t received a response. That’s when a spooky feeling began to creep over me. Was Tito going to show? Was I being stood up? Was this whole movie date an elaborate scheme for Tito to seek revenge on me?

Fortunately, that did not happen. Tito arrived on time. As far as I could tell, there were no plans for sabotage, either. Almost immediately, I asked Tito how his day at work was.

“I don’t have any work,” he responded.

What? It turned out that last week, Tito had come to a mutual agreement with his company that they would no longer work together. In other words, the boy was freshly unemployed. I had no idea. And I felt so shitty for not knowing. How many times have I been upset because a guy didn’t care enough to ask me about my personal life? Now, here I was having done that to Tito. I felt bad. Really bad.

In an attempt to make up for my lack of consideration, I continued to ask Tito about his (former) job and what had happened. Work was basically the only subject we talked about tonight. That’s the problem with a movie date – limited conversation time. Once the movie started, there was obviously no more talking.

Things weren’t much better after the film. Tito and I talked about the upcoming weekend on our short walk to the parking lot, and that was pretty much it. We hugged goodbye, and then Tito got in his car and drove away. The whole thing just felt really awkward.

Honestly, I don’t know what the situation is with Tito. I don’t even know if tonight was a date. In fact, I’m beginning to think it wasn’t. That being said, I also don’t want to spend much more time thinking about all of this. Even I know it wouldn’t be a good idea to take on more romantic confusion right now. Especially when I’m already leading Bryan on and struggling to find a way out of that whole thing.

I’m coming to terms with the idea of being alone again. I’m ready for that isolation. I think I need it, actually. The overlap of Logan and Bryan was a crutch. It is a crutch. At the end of the day, there’s still a part of me that misses Logan. Not as much as I used to, but my feelings toward him haven’t completely disappeared altogether.

I want to get over Logan and move forward. I need to. As such, I don’t know if keeping someone else in the picture right now is the best thing – for either of us. I’m delaying the process of getting over Logan through my unbalanced affection with Bryan. More importantly, I’m simply not being honest with Bryan. None of this is fair to him. I like Bryan a lot. I’m just not ready to give him 100%.

Driving home from the theater, I was in a horrible mood. I had a pounding headache, and an overwhelming feeling of being physically uncomfortable. I think my shirt was too tight, actually. I felt like I was wearing a strait jacket.

I found myself so incredibly angry at some points today. Yelling in my car. Screaming and swearing at characters from the thoughts and conversations I was having in my head.

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you, you motherfucking asshole.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

“Go FUCK yourself!”

I’m angry at how I was treated by Logan. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m thankful. I’m everything every day. I’m rarely happy, though.

I did have some good moments in the car today, I guess. Music can be really uplifting. Oh, and my tattoos are healing well. The butterflies look completely different. Much better, and still improving.

After the movie with Tito and our uncomfortable goodbye, I drove back to Casa Z. I went straight to my room, fooled around on my computer, smoked, masturbated, and now it’s time for bed.

Talked to Bryan tonight. Just text, thankfully.

Ugh. I’m an awful person. I’ve embodied the qualities that I hate so much in Logan.

I wish he would message me.

“Weary sometimes when I try to discern our reality
Wish that I just could be somebody else if you talked to me
Kept praying inside let him love me for who I am
Please my Lord
But you were just somewhere the sun couldn’t reach
Couldn’t understand
All that I needed was you to really see me”

— Mariah Carey, “Camouflage”

Goodnight xo