Up at the crack of dawn, then schlepped to The Store. Today’s shift saw me processing a shipment delivery with Randy, who is truly a moron. It boggles my mind to think that this man has somehow managed to climb his way into a management position. Randy’s entire work process is alarmingly counterproductive. It’s like dealing with a teenager. At least he stopped wearing that fucking puka shell hemp necklace. That was just the limit. I can handle a bad shipment partner, but a seashell choker crosses the line.

After work, I went to see Sid at his new tattoo shop in Aurora. After a lot of sizing, measuring, placing, and injecting ink into my skin, I now have three new tattoos! I love the Sankofa. I absolutely love it. Everything. What it represents, how it looks, where it is, and the feeling it brings to me when I think of my past and the future ahead. I love it.

Now, the two butterflies. Hmm. I’m still waiting on those. They are puffy as all hell right now, and there’s a serious lack of definition. That, combined with the coloring being off because of my red skin, I don’t want to judge them too quickly. I haven’t even taken a picture of them yet. At the end of the day, they’re permanent. So, it sort of is what it is. I think they’ll be fine. I’m writing this about twelve hours after I got them done, and the skin has already calmed down a lot. I’m hoping for the best.

The butterflies are very similar to the Sankofa, though. In terms of significance, I mean. Although there’s a lot more associated with the butterflies, it’s all about change. Embracing change in my life. Continuing to move forward, despite what’s been thrown at me – or who I may have been, or how I looked, or acted, or felt, or – whatever. However, throughout that process of embracing change, I must remember to honor my past. History has shaped me into the person I am today.

“It is not wrong to go back for that which you have forgotten.”

I’m proud of my tattoos.

After getting wrapped in bandages, I went home to Casa Z. I actually ended up in a lot of pain afterwards – more than when I was getting the tattoos done. I ate, smoked, and took a very short nap. I wanted to work out, but with all of the sweating, showering, and open wounds on my arms, I skipped it. I’m not anticipating a crazy weekend, so I will make up for my lack of exercise then.

Later, I drove downtown and settled in at the Witch Cave for a bit. After getting myself together, I went over to Bryan’s. I brought a bottle of wine, and after much deliberation, we watched Soapdish. Hmm. I wonder whose choice that was?

Bryan ordered a pizza, and we opened a second bottle of wine. Sure enough, we eventually found our way to the bed. I was so uncomfortable the entire night. My tattoos hurt so fucking much. Understandably, Bryan wasn’t very aware of them, so he kept touching my arms. It just made everything worse. It wasn’t cute.

I don’t know what to do with this situation. I don’t want to marry Bryan. I can say that now. But, I don’t want to just say goodbye to someone who’s – ugh. I’m realizing my asshole behavior as I type this.

The thing is, I like Bryan. I enjoy spending time with him. I appreciate Bryan’s company, and he’s very easy to talk to. But, I’m in a constant mode of comparison. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, actually.

I wonder what I would say to Bryan if he asked me at this point – right now, about one month in – to be his boyfriend. I know exactly what my answer would be. I would tell Bryan: “It’s too soon,” or, “I don’t want to rush it,” etc., etc. If Logan asked me that same question after two dates, I would have squealed, “Yes!” without even a second of hesitation. That’s how I know the difference. It’s just a feeling. But, do I throw everything with Bryan away because that feeling isn’t there now? Will it ever be?

Bryan and I fooled around on his bed. We gave each other head, and then fell asleep for a bit. After some more fun, cuddling, and talking, I went back to my place. I would have spent the night at Bryan’s, but 1) I wanted to be alone with my tattoos, and more importantly 2) Bryan is going back to Saskatchewan tomorrow. He’s traveling for work again, and will be away until Monday. Sleeping over would have meant waking up with him at 7 a.m. No, thank you. I refuse to be vertical that early.

I walked home from Bryan’s place and went straight to bed. I have a huge headache right now. This is the first night in a long time that I’m not taking my medication before bed.

RX followed me on Snapchat today.

I miss Logan. I miss so many things about him. I wonder if I ever cross his mind the way he crosses mine.