Three months until my 26th birthday.
I just realized that as I was typing out the date. I’m not sure if leaving 25 behind will be a refreshing new start, or if it will be a Panic Pill moment when I realize that I’m yet another year older. Fuck.
I wish I did more with my day today. I woke up to a Snapchat from Logan, who’s still in Berlin. It was literally just a video of him zooming in on some sort of river. As if that is – I don’t know. I have no idea what the fuck that is. What is that supposed to mean?
I’ll tell you what it means. It means that I ended up diving into the abyss of Instagram and going on a deep creep of Logan’s profile and tagged photos. He recently de-privatized his account, so now I’m back to my old tricks. Damn it. I found a lot of old pictures featuring Logan and his ex-boyfriend. Yadda, yadda, yadda. They were kissing. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t need to see that! Well, then stop looking for it, you dumbass.
This afternoon, I went on a quick errand to pick up some limes for guacamole. Because – guacamole. While walking to the convenience store, I drifted off into thoughts about Phillip and the issues he’s been having with Sarah, a lot of which stem from some of her insecurities. It got me thinking. Or, perhaps it was realizing.
Although I am a very open and honest person most of the time, I also have a lot of insecurities that I’m not so sure people are aware of. Maybe they are. I don’t know. But, I often think that there’s this notion that, because I am often quite candid about my personal life, it means that everything is out on the table. That’s definitely not the case.
What I think has been happening recently with my depression and anxiety is that I’m no longer able to keep my insecurities under wraps. I can’t hide them anymore. As such, people have been seeing a whole other side of me. I don’t like it. I feel exposed. It’s not attractive. I don’t like this Kurt. I want to get back to my “no fucks given” days. I want my confidence back. I don’t think there’s anything more attractive in a person than confidence. Except maybe humor.
Anyway, I should have been much more productive today. But, I find that I’ve been really tired lately. Drained. I don’t feel as inspired to go out jousting for jobs all day anymore. I applied to one job and followed up with another this afternoon. That’s it. I also didn’t do any of the MOMENTS event work that I was supposed to do.
The only thing that was really noteworthy from today was a phone call I received. It was from the headmaster at the Montessori school I recently interviewed at. Well, it was a voicemail. So, technically it was only partially noteworthy. I called her back right away, but she wasn’t in her office. I left a message, so I guess I’ll hear something tomorrow. This could go either way, really. I feel like the school would call even if it was just to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Fuck fuck.
Later in the day, I walked to the gym to do my thing. I got bored along the way, so I smoked a joint behind the building and then went inside to do my workout, which I did in full. However, that momentum didn’t last long. Once I was back at the Witch Cave, I made dinner, watched The Truman Show, and did nothing but veg around all night. I have no idea where the time went. Maybe you can find it on Instagram, though. That’s where I spent most of it. I had a lot to do tonight. I should have been more responsible. Fuck fuck fuck.
I was texting a lot with Lauryn this evening. She’s always so encouraging when it comes to my writing. I love her brain, too. I always feel smarter after I talk to her. Lauryn asked me to consider writing for her friend’s very popular blog, which is based out of New York City. That would be –
Oh, my God. I’m doing it again. Stop it, Kurt! You are not going back to New York City. You are not going to be with Logan. Fuck!
Anyway. New York City or not, writing for that girl’s website could be a really big opportunity for me. I don’t want to let it pass me by, so I have to start writing now. Before MOMENTS. I need to get my ass in gear and literally push everything else aside right now. I need this. I need to be busy again. I need to build the Kurt Anthony Empire! One sexual encounter story at a time.
I just jacked off. Now, I’m going to bed.
Goodnight xo
@yalittlenasty Instagram post from tonight.
Donald Trump has been in the news a lot recently because of the upcoming US presidential election. I thought pairing Donny’s tomfoolery with Patrick Juvet’s “I Love America” would make for an ironic juxtaposition.
"I Love America" - Patrick Juvet