I tried to sleep in this morning after last night’s 3:30 a.m. bedtime, but my newly reset body clock had me up at 8:30 a.m. I sent off a few job-related emails, worked on some event stuff, and organized myself before leaving the house at 10:30 a.m. for the gym.
I did my entire exercise routine as per usual. Weights, sit-ups, push-ups, stretches, running, and the sauna. By the time I had finished, I felt really, really good. When I’m busy with work, or just being productive in general, and manage to successfully juggle everything as I fit in my exercise routine at the same time, all of the bullshit disappears in those moments. I don’t worry about Logan. I don’t worry about my future career. I don’t freak out about my body and weight.
By the way, I’ve been feeling comfortable in my body lately. The satisfaction comes and goes, but I think I might be reaching a point where I feel balanced. I’m not where I want to be, which is perhaps unattainable given the things I don’t want to give up, but I’m not unhappy either.
I wonder if I’ll ever be happy with myself, though? Insecurities from so many years of being overweight as a child and teenager have left deep emotional scars. Physical scars, too – if you count the stretch marks scattered across my body. It’s almost impossible for me to look in a mirror and not see all of that, regardless of the number that appears on my scale. I can recognize the progress for sure, but it never seems to be enough.
I walked home after the gym, absolutely exhausted. After making myself a really good lunch, I ended up passing out on my bed for two hours. When I woke up, I had just enough time to send off some emails and then have a phone interview with – Snapchat!
I keep forgetting to mention this, but weeks ago I applied to a basic, entry-level facilities position at Snapchat’s New York City office. Much to my surprise, I received an email back from them asking to set up a preliminary phone interview. I was shocked. Not only because it was Snapchat, but simply because a company had acknowledged my application. That never fucking happens!
Anyway, I had my phone interview this afternoon. It went really well, actually! They didn’t even ask about my (non-existent) US work permit situation, which was so ideal. Next up is going to be a second interview with the Facilities Manager. Ah! I’m trying to handle this whole Snapchat thing better than any interview I’ve ever done before. Can you imagine if I got the job? That being said, a part of me is prohibiting myself from getting too excited. I know the realities of US work visas, and this probably won’t end well for me. No harm in giving it my all, though!
After the interview, I continued working for a bit, and then took the subway and streetcar to Phillip’s place in the west end for three hours’ worth of MOMENTS music sequencing. There were definitely a few fits of frustration where I wanted to pull my eyelashes out, but after a dinner break and a second look at things, we made a strong finish. I think we have a stellar playlist now. I could have Mariah Carey herself at MOMENTS, but if the music isn’t good, it wouldn’t matter. The party is all about the music. That’s where all of my pressure is. The main source of my stress. However, I can’t let Phillip know that. I can only be positive and encouraging. I’m scared shitless, though.
I arrived back at the Witch Cave around 11:30 p.m., and received an email from Snapchat requesting available times for my follow-up interview. This is pretty damn cool. I also have my first therapy session with Moira Nightingale tomorrow, which I’m quite excited about. I don’t know how it will go, but I’m sure there will be no shortage of things to talk about.
No contact with Logan today. It’s funny. All of this Snapchat stuff came about because I was applying for jobs in New York City so that I could move there and spend the rest of my life with Logan. Now, I don’t even think I would contact him if I went back for a visit. I feel uncomfortable. It blows my mind that things have changed so drastically with Logan. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only continue to focus on my own life. This situation with Logan might even be one of the biggest driving forces for me to better myself. I want to show him how much he’s going to miss out on. What he’s giving up, all because he wants to be an asshole.
I feel like I’m at a turning point in my life right now. It’s been a very long road, but I’m inching closer and closer to the corner. Things are about to change for me. I’ve worked too hard for them not to.
Goodnight xo