I’ve now started waking up at 6:30 a.m. every morning, in an attempt to combat my lack of productivity in the evenings. Some messaging in bed, food prep, dishes, cleaning up whatever disaster I made the night before, and a quick workout seem to be the new routine before I head out the door these days.

Side note: every time I leave my building, I feel like I’m in a music video.

I got to work on time, and did my thing. Today fucking dragged itself along. However, I’m thinking that was due in part to me hardly being able to walk. I totally fucked up my foot yesterday morning. Walking home from work last night probably wasn’t the smartest idea, either. I can barely even touch my toe right now – that’s how bad it hurts. This was what I was worried about. I don’t want this pin in my toe any longer than it’s already been there.

Not really doing much work in the process, I managed to get through another day behind the front desk – completely unimpressed by the well-paid trash that got off the elevator every ten minutes. When 4 p.m. came around, I thought I had finally reached my finish line. Unfortunately, Robyn suggested that I stay and do some work in our office.

Begrudgingly, I did a few quick tasks, ate dinner at my desk, and then left at 5:30 p.m. Seeing as I could barely walk, I took transit home tonight. Back at the Witch Cave, I collapsed on my bed for two hours. I also washed back two Tylenol with a liter of water to help combat my foot pain.

Lying on my bed after my nap, I figured since I didn’t have much to do, I might as well smoke. Just stay out of the kitchen. And, I did! I rolled out of bed around 9 p.m. and onto my carpet, where I stayed until 1:30 a.m. doing exercises. It took so long because I was listening to Lil’ Kim’s Hard Core album, which I downloaded yesterday. I am obsessed with it. I also made a variety of Instagram videos during a bout of creative inspiration. Nonetheless, at least I was able to get high, avoid the munchies, and exercise. I believe that’s what they call a hat trick. Needless to say, by the end of the night, I was exhausted. I still managed to rub one out before bed, though.

Haven’t heard from Lexapro after our Friday night together. I’m wondering if he’s not into it anymore. That would be ideal, as I don’t want anything serious from him.

Tonight, I was thinking about how I’m probably not aware of my own actions when it comes to guys. Just in terms of messaging, etc. Let’s be real here. If I’m on Grindr, and I receive a message that I don’t respond to right away, the chances are pretty high that I’m not into the guy. I’m talking about all messages – ones from existing guys, new guys, or Ghosts of Grindr’s Past. The guys keep trying, though. And I wonder – why? Some guys have been trying to talk to me online for over two years, and I just never respond.

I think about my own experiences with unanswered Grindr messages, and what it feels like when guys do that to me. It hurts. It’s annoying. The conversation never goes anywhere, but I keep hanging on – waiting indefinitely for a response. And that’s if a guy even responds to my message in the first place. A lot of the time, I don’t even get a text back – which is probably why I don’t send many to begin with.

I’m guilty of doing the same thing to guys that I hate having done to me. I wonder if, to them, it comes off as me playing hard to get? Or, maybe that’s what we choose to believe? I know that I’ve rationalized a guy’s lack of communication with that line before. “He’s playing hard to get,” is a lot more hopeful than assuming someone is giving you a pity response.

Let’s cut the bullshit here. A lack of response is simply a lack of interest. On both ends. For example, Logan, Nate Presley, the new Marcel, or basically any other guy where there hasn’t been an active effort to communicate. RX, too. I don’t want someone that will look at a message from me, and then put their phone back in their pocket. I want them answering that damn thing at 30,000 feet in the air when the seatbelt sign is on.

Bedtime at 2 a.m.

Goodnight xo