I worked 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. alone at the front desk today, which was much better than any of my previous shifts. Without Niall talking at me every five fucking minutes, it meant I could actually relax. The guy’s on vacation now. See you in two weeks, Niall! Good riddance.
The desk was fine. Nothing major to report. I also left The Clubhouse at 4 p.m., as the evening girl arrived early. I’ll make up the hour tomorrow. I wanted to get home and pick up some groceries before it rained, so I walked home as fast as I could and got it all done.
Dan and I decided that we would go see Finding Dory at 9 p.m. tonight. After I gorged on my groceries, I felt sick and took a nap. Dan arrived at the Witch Cave with dispensary weed soon after I woke up. We both got really high, and then walked to the theater together.
I was very stoned. Like, over-analyze every moment, laugh at random things, and forget what I was saying mid-sentence level of stoned. Finding Dory sucked fucking balls, by the way. The film was not up to Pixar story-ship. It was essentially a movie of flashbacks, littered with ridiculous marine life situations. Sorry, Ellen. Pass.
Ironically, I had a flashback of my own tonight. It really caught me off guard. During one scene in Finding Dory, I saw a huge blue whale in the aquarium building. I thought of Logan. Seeing that whale was like an instant transportation back to that day in December. The first full day Logan and I spent together. I remember it like it was yesterday. Even writing about it now is making me start to feel ill.
Logan and I woke up in his bed together. He called in sick to work so he could spend the day with me. We talked in bed all morning, got lunch at Shake Shack near his apartment, and then Logan took me to the American Museum of Natural History and showed me his favorite exhibits. Inside, there was a blue whale hanging above us in one of the main rooms. We walked home, then had a romantic dinner at a small restaurant near his place. We skipped home, laughing and holding hands, and then got ready for bed.
Just as we were about to fall asleep, Logan turned to me. Staring into my eyes with his head on the pillow, Logan said softly, “I’ve never met anyone like you before, Kurt. You’re so special. You have so many incredible gifts, and you are so unique. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”
We said goodnight, and Logan fell asleep. I turned to my side, and cried silently. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about what Logan had just said to me. I couldn’t believe that I had met someone who saw that side of me. Someone who saw what everyone else overlooked, and was able to do so as quickly as he did. Nobody had ever made me feel the way Logan did that night. Logan made me feel special.
Now, I feel used. I feel like someone has ripped out my heart. I saw that fucking whale in the movie, and my body just seized up. I felt sick. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m doing exactly what Logan told me not to do.
I went home, binged on the rest of my groceries for the week, smoked more weed, and masturbated. Now, it’s time for bed.
I cried a lot while writing this journal entry tonight. I think about Logan and RX every day. What’s worse is that I can’t stop thinking about what I did wrong to push them away. As if there is something genetically wrong with me. Why won’t they love me? Why won’t they talk to me?
RX is a different scenario. I know what I did. I ended our relationship. Logan is such a mystery to me, though. On so many levels. The unresolved nature of our former relationship has left me with so many mixed emotions. How someone can make you feel so high, and then so low, is perhaps one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.
I am angry with Logan over how he treated me. Yet, I am disappointed in myself for allowing my happiness to be dictated by someone else. I thought what we had was so great. I couldn’t have been more wrong. How did I misjudge that situation so badly? I don’t think I will ever know why things ended up the way they did with Logan. My heart hurts, yet I doubt he even remembers my name.
Goodnight xo
I took this photo on my walk home from Finding Dory tonight. The Moon was so bright. I stood on the corner of my street and just stared at it. I thought about Mariah Carey’s song “Close My Eyes,” and how much those lyrics mean to me. Church-Wellesley Village, Toronto
“Still I feel like a child
As I look at the Moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon.”
“Close My Eyes” - Mariah Carey