I can’t wait for this month to be over.

I wrote about it last night, but that message from Dylan was such a weird coincidence given everything that’s going on with Logan. I sent Dylan that really genuine, heartfelt apology and he responded very nicely this morning, saying that he appreciated my message and is fine now. Dylan said he knows that he may have overreacted a bit at the time, but he was, “Living in a fantasy and knows now that it probably wouldn’t have worked out.” Sound familiar? Ugh.

I cleaned my entire apartment and then walked to the gym. I became quite sad along the way and listened to the entire Butterfly album as I dragged my feet. “Breakdown” is basically my life story right now. Logan literally did “call yesterday, to basically say, that he cares for me but, that he’s just not in love.” I almost cried at the gym, but switched gears and listened to some more uplifting music instead. I’m feeling such a range of emotions right now.

I’m sad because of how this was brought to light. The guy that I’m crazy about doesn’t feel the same way about me.

I’m mad because Logan hurt my trust. He fucked someone else and now my fantasy of him is ruined. I lost a lot of respect for him, to be honest, and I’m having trouble seeing the perfect Logan I used to know. I had a lot of angry moments today, actually. A lot of those, “Fuck you. I’m better than this, and it’s your loss that you can’t see how much I’m worth,” thoughts while dramatically singing Cher songs at the top of my lungs. Typical me. I’m pretty sure I did that at eight years old, too.

I’m confused because I don’t know how to move forward with this. By going to visit Logan, I’m essentially setting myself up for disappointment. But, maybe spending more time with him could be a good thing? I don’t know.

And I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I was completely off-base with this whole thing and that Logan and I have never been on the same page about our relationship. By the way, when I say relationship, I don’t mean a labeled thing. I literally mean “arrangement” or “connection.” No love or emotions involved. “Relationship” a very misleading word. Anyway, because of that embarrassment, I’m apprehensive to contact Logan, too. I already seem desperate enough, and now I feel like I’m just bothering him. It’s a shitty feeling to know that you are not wanted.

The rest of my day wasn’t anything special. I got my hair cut and then did laundry, event invites for MOMENTS, and other to-do’s until 2 a.m.

Logan messaged me today. Just small talk about our days and nights, but at least he made an effort. I still want to talk on the phone with him every day. I’m really nervous about how things will be when I’m at his place. I don’t want them to be different, but I also can’t see them being the same as they used to be. I didn’t want things to change.

I watched half of Legally Blonde and went to bed.

Goodnight xo