My interview for the Hot Docs job has been scheduled for this coming Wednesday, so I shifted my plans for the week around and took the car up north for some errands. The only information I’ve been given for the interview is a date. No time, no location, not even a point person. This should be interesting. Hit the gym after my errands, then walked home. I’m absolutely exhausted.
I’m also getting annoyed with this Hellacious stuff for MOMENTS. Well, really, it’s with everyone. Nobody is responding to my emails or texts. What the fuck, man! Answer your fucking messages. It’s not a difficult concept. I don’t understand the world. It’s not even a matter of being impatient; people are just fucking clueless turds. Meanwhile, I’m the one without a job.
Watched a bunch of The Nanny and then took a bath before bed. I forgot to mention this, but yesterday I opened Pandora’s Box and visited my old Florida College Program blog. Remember? The one that I shut down six years ago after a 6,000-word post garnered some not-so-positive attention from the people featured in it? I couldn’t bring myself to read the entire post, but one comment from a friend’s mom struck me. She used to read the blog every day and was always so nice and supportive. Her comment was along the lines of, “So happy to have this post. Love the blog and congrats on the coming out. Remember to be happy and analyze less.” That last sentence still holds true. I know I over-analyze like a motherfucker and it’s totally my downfall. I spend too much time in weird areas of my mind and things begin to fester. I love that word, by the way. Fester. It doesn’t help that I like to write, though. That’s sort of how I write, too. I over-analyzing things.
Revisiting that Florida blog went hand in hand with this guy I met in New York City who runs a “Coming Out Story” website. After reading a couple of the posts, it made me wonder how I would even begin to write about my coming out experience. The actual act itself was quite simple, but the lead-up – all 20 years of it – would be the real story. Maybe I’ll work on that one day. It would definitely be an interesting read.
I don’t really like revisiting my writing. It’s all very “in the moment,” and sometimes I look back on pieces and think I was too critical of people or certain situations. For example, the section of that final post on the Florida blog where I wasn’t happy with how Dad handled my coming out. I’d completely forgotten about that. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose. Or maybe you just create a new narrative for things as time goes on, and that’s what you choose to believe happened. I want to write a book.
Goodnight xo
I found this photo on Twitter today. It’s cover art for a song, which I’ve posted below, but I’m more interested in the artwork itself. It’s absolutely mesmerizing.
"Anchor" - La Mar