It’s so weird every time I write the date. I wanted all of this hell to be behind me in January. That was supposed to be the shit month where everything that could go wrong, went wrong. After I got through January, I was going to put all of that negative energy behind me and move forward into a brighter, happier 2016.
Well, now it’s April. Not much has changed. A lot has happened, but my general feelings of unhappiness and depression are still here. I’m still broke, I still don’t have a real job, and I’m still unwanted by someone I thought I loved. So, every time I write the date, then proceed to write about my day(s), it’s a little bit of a punch to the stomach.
Slept in this morning, then cleaned up the Witch Cave and got some work done. That is, until I decided to update the OS on my dinosaur of a MacBook, which lost me about two hours of work time. The thing would not come back to life. When it finally turned back on, I then had to wait 30-minutes open a document. I managed to get a bit of writing done, but not nearly as much as I wanted.
I went to the gym, had a good workout, and then met Natasha at La Carnita for the little date we had planned last week. We ate tacos, had a couple of drinks, and caught up about anything and everything. It was all so amazing.
I always forget how much I miss Natasha. Every time I’m with her, I feel like I belong. As if there’s someone out there who truly understands me. I just wish I had more of Natasha in my life. Of course, I’m happy for her and her new boyfriend – whom I have still yet to meet, by the way – but I selfishly want more one-on-one time with her.
Natasha picked up the check at La Carnita as a sort of “congratulations” on MOMENTS, which I thought was incredibly sweet of her. I bought us ice cream at Sweet Jesus, and then we walked to the Art Gallery of Ontario for a quick 30-minutes of art before they closed. It was nice to just walk around and see a few of the different pieces. There’s so much to discover at the AGO, and I definitely want to go back. Being free on Wednesdays definitely helps, as the gallery is free after 6 p.m. I’ve been wanting to expand my artistic horizons, and I think the AGO could be an inspiring – and economical – place to start.
Tonight was so great. Just being with Natasha, talking about life. We are on the same page about so many things, sometimes without even realizing it. I guess that happens after over 20 years of friendship. It’s comforting to talk about even the simplest of topics with Natasha. She understands me in a way that nobody else can.
Natasha absolutely hates Logan. I think she always has since the chlamydia debacle back in January, and rightfully so. If someone treated my friend like that, I would hate that person, too. I think it’s harder to make those calls when it’s happening to you, though. Why is my life a Destiny’s Child song?
I’m trying to move on. A part of me still wants that closure from Logan, though. I don’t think it’s going to come, yet I’m scared to ask for it. I feel like as time goes by, it also makes less and less sense for me to try and obtain that closure. Still, there’s a part of me that just hopes Logan will come around, send me a message, and explain why he was such an asshole to me.
Nobody has ever made me feel so low in my entire life. Logan has made me feel completely worthless. I can’t believe that my life has come to this – letting someone else dictate my emotions. It hurts. It hurts when I go through my wallet and find movie ticket stubs, or receipts I saved from our dinners together. It hurts when I think of the chats we had, the insecurities that I opened up about, or when Logan told me that he saw something really special in me. All of that feels like a lie now. I can’t believe I was played so easily.
My head hurts. I think I’ve been taking too many Panic Pills.
After the AGO, Natasha dropped me off on her way home. I relaxed on my bed, making and posting a little Instagram video of myself using one of the MOMENTS photos. A “Loverboy” Glitter moment.
Bryan called me tonight. We talked for almost an hour and a half, chatting about our days and completely random stuff. It’s nice to talk with Bryan like that, actually. I like it when he calls. It’s thoughtful for him to check in on me the way he does.
I jacked off, and now I’m going to bed. Once again, I’ve stayed up way too late for someone who has to be up for work in less than five hours.
Today, I’m thankful for Natasha. My best friend in the entire world, and someone who I am so grateful to have in my life. Someone who knows the real me. A true friend who accepts my past, is interested in my present, and encourages my future. I’ll love you forever, Natasha.
Goodnight xo
"Girl" - Destiny's Child
@yalittlenasty Instagram post from tonight.
"Loverboy (Remix)" - Mariah Carey