Woke up early and posted an album of freshly edited MOMENTS photos to the former Facebook event page. They’re cute! I’m hoping the album will generate some interest and positivity. Or, at the very least, end things on a good note.
I also spent some time responding to a message from Zoe this morning. She’s still in Australia, doing her thing, but is having a hard time with some social anxiety stuff. It’s likely the result of a bad break-up, so I’m trying to help her out where I can. Clearly, I took what Moira Nightingale said during our therapy session to heart, because I find myself sharing her mantras quite often. Sometimes helping a friend with words of encouragement reminds me that I need to do the same for myself.
Given that I’m working an early shift at The Store tomorrow, I figured I would go up to Casa Z and spend the day/night. I got in my ice-covered car, and after waiting fifteen-minutes for it to warm up, I was on my way north. The weather has been dismal lately, by the way. I want spring!
After a few errands, I arrived at the house. Mom’s been in Montreal for Cousin Ashley’s wedding shower all weekend, so Dad and Phillip have had their run of Casa Z for the last few days. When I walked through the door, it looked like a fucking tornado had ripped through our house. It was disgusting.
Avoiding the onion peels scattered across the kitchen floor, I made myself some lunch and then went straight to my room to start working. The main focus today was applying to jobs. What an awful process. You spend hours tweaking your cover letter and resume, filling out applications, sending everything off, and then, nine times out of ten, you never hear anything back.
I worked on the job stuff for a few hours, called it quits, and then had dinner. I took a Panic Pill before I ate. I don’t know why, though. I didn’t really need it. As a result, I fell asleep on the couch. Later, I crawled upstairs to my bed where I slept until 9 p.m. I promised myself I would workout, though. So, I did. I love running. It’s very freeing. Cleansing. I was really going for it tonight too, loving all of the disco music that I had blasting through my headphones.
Texted a lot with Bryan today. He’s still in Saskatchewan. I actually kind of miss him. I think maybe it was just an overload of romance right before he left. Bryan is a nice guy. I enjoy his company. However, having been single for so long, I’m worried that I don’t know how to behave in a relationship anymore. Case in point: cutting off all communication with other guys. Is that something I have to do?
I’m not on dating apps anymore. When I started seeing Bryan last month, I deleted everything. Even I know that would be shady, plus I don’t want to be on Grindr or Tinder in general. Yet, every once in a while, I’ll receive a message from a former fling. I typically respond fairly casually, but some of those texts verge on inappropriate territory for someone entering a relationship.
Here’s an example:
Dylan saw a picture of me from MOMENTS today. Yes. Dylan from San Francisco. We still talk from time to time. Anyway, in the picture, I was wearing my purple “Loverboy” t-shirt. Dylan sent me a text, complementing the ensemble. I thanked him, and the next message I got from Dylan was one saying, “It would look better on my bedroom floor.” Yikes, right? I wasn’t going to respond, but didn’t want to be – rude? I sent back, “Lol,” and left it at that. I gave Dylan the benefit of the doubt, and assumed he was just joking around.
But, here’s the resulting question. What do I do in that situation? How do I handle guys like Dylan? Do I have to cut them all out? I don’t know if I can do that. However, I also don’t want to be shady towards someone I’m dating. I don’t know how to deal with this.
I thought about my current predicament as if I were still seeing Logan. We haven’t spoken for a week now, by the way. Don’t mock me. Anyway, the point is that I didn’t want to talk to anyone when I was with Logan. The rest of the world didn’t matter when we were together. Why don’t I feel that way with Bryan? Ugh. Enough of this. Moving on.
I spent some time in the steam shower after the gym, talked to Bryan some more, jacked off, and then crawled into bed. I enjoy being home at times like this. Ever since Phillip broke up with Sarah, he’s been at the house a lot more often. It’s nice to have the family together, since moments like these are only going to become rarer as we get older.
Mom came home from Montreal tonight, very upset. I’m talking, like, on the verge of tears. Apparently, there’s been some recent drama surrounding Cousin Victoria and Uncle Walter, which I guess originally transpired over Easter weekend. I wasn’t really aware of anything given the craziness that was MOMENTS, but it seems like things took a turn for the worse while Mom was in Montreal with Victoria over the weekend. I didn’t get all of the details.
Here’s the thing, though – I don’t need all of the details. If you come for the most important person in my life – or any member of my family – it’s game over. No questions asked. My mother is the sweetest, most caring individual I know. She bends over backwards for others, often to a fault. In fact, I’m convinced that’s why all of this drama happened in the first place. What could Mom possibly have done to warrant such disrespect?
The next encounter with the Vargas family will be in May at Cousin Ashley’s wedding in Montreal. That should be interesting. All of this is very bad energy, and I’m not interested in such negative vibes. Whether it’s in my life, or my family’s lives. In this case, I feel it’s best to just step away. I don’t want the drama. It’s a similar situation with Logan, actually. Although I would have preferred some sort of closure, now I just want his negativity out of my life.
You know what we need right now? A N.A.P.
We Notice, we Accept, and we Proceed.
I am responsible for my own happiness. I will not allow my life to be dictated by the actions of others.
I listened to No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” about five times on the treadmill tonight. Between that and Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together,” I think I’ve vented most of my bipolar relationship emotions for the evening.
Goodnight xo
This is the picture that Dylan commented on. It also features the MOMENTS logo that I added to all of the event photos. Gladstone Hotel, Toronto
"Don't Speak" - No Doubt
"We Belong Together" - Mariah Carey